Changes in the family role of women in refuge families in Serbia
Ivana Stevanovic
The absence of a more significant social support in the process of social adaptation of ref`ugees, forces women to take care for the betterment of the existing conditions of life. A similar situation produces a widespread impoverishment of women refugees to which they respond in various ways: by smuggling, by working in the "black", by selling a part of their humanitarian aid and by prostitution. Even if they succeed in finding an employment, these jobs are usually insecure, temporary, unofficial, without social benefits, and with insufficient and irregular incomes. Moreover, in similar working conditions women are frequently exposed to mistreatment and exploitation. Therefore, the attempts of integration into the new surrounding bring women into a position where they could easily become victims of subtle forms of violence and exploitation which they must accept in order to secure the essential conditions for life.
Incomplete families are most numerous among refuge families in Serbia. These families differ among themselves by the way of their formation. Incomplete families created by the absence of the husband or father are very frequent. The absence can be permanent, due to the death of husband or father, and then we can speak of permanently incomplete families. On the other hand, there are temporarily incomplete families, created through the absence of the father or husband who participate in war or who became refugees in some other country2. A temporarily incomplete family could also be produced by separation between parents and children, who are sent to a safe place for the reasons of security. The war in former Yugoslavia has especially separated mothers and children from their husbands, and fathers. Data gathered by the Institute for pedagogical research in its survey of family status, which included 370 parents, mainly mothers of childrenrefugees, also confirm that the majority of refugee families are incomplete, and that this incompleteness was most frequently produced by the absence of father. According to these data, before becoming refugees, 92% of respondents lived in complete families; in refuge, this percentage fell to 50%. In 80% of cases, incomplete families are made incomplete by the absence of the father, in 8% that is the mother who is absent, while in 12% incomplete families are rendered incomplete by the absence of some other member of family3. Changes within incomplete refuge families produce the change of the family role of the woman, especially a change of the economic role of the woman (El Bushra, Lopez, 1993). This is happened at women that we had interviewed. They have become "heads of families", persons charged with care for children and the sick, regardless of their current marital status. Our female interlocutors were mainly married (40 in total); the rest were widows (13), divorced (2) and unmarried (15). From 40 married women, only 14 live in a complete family in refuge, while 22 of them are alone with children, and they are forced to accept the role of the only breadwinner and protector of the family in refuge. Widows are facing an especially difficult situation, since 10 of them lost husbands in this war.
Death of the father or husband, which means, needless to say, their permanent absence from family, provokes especially serious and violent emotional reactions in women, as well as in children. Shock and disbelief are the first reaction to the news of the husband's or father's death. Mothers and children who had lost their husbands and fathers face increasing difficulties in their everyday tasks, and they react by anger and sorrow because of the loss. This process usually end up by accepting sorrow and loss.
Apart from these symptoms, children often experience various corporal and psychic troubles. The most frequent symptoms are sorrow and depression, fear of separation, withdrawal and hypersensitivity. Boys seem to suffer more from the loss of the father than girls. The loss of the father means the loss of the rolemodel a situation which could produce disorders of the emotional and intellectual development. The loss also produces various pedagogical problems. The woman, who remained the only parent is faced with the problem of education of children in harsh conditions, because they themselves are deprived of support. Thus Sofija says:
"Everything is easier when people are together. My husband and father had been killed in thís war. I have no place to go. I have no strength, even for my child. When you don `t have any support the burden gets too heavy. The child keeps telling `My father and grandfather are killed'. That's all his life. What's left of his life? (...) I'm exploited in my ork place. Besides, my child demands devotion and care and I don't have strength. We are three families here, sharing the same room. I would like to have some peace, to live alone. The child has to start school but he doesn `t have a space to do homework. My husband was a Moslem and that's why I can't get anything from the funds for the children whose parents had been killed in war".
The previous example demonstrates that the care of the mother usually surpasses the care for the essential needs of her and her children she strives to provide decent conditions for schooling and normal life. In the conditions of total impoverishment, the problem of supply of the essential school material often seems insoluble.4 Thus Nedzada says:
"My daughter has to do tests in order to start school this autumn, but I can't afford that. I don't have the money to buy her books and everything that is needed. I don't know that to do."
However, the need to educate children and the wish to offer them a better life sometimes motivates women to strive to adapt by all means to the new surrounding and find a strength in that selfsacrifice. Our respondents often said that in the moments of deepest despair the thought about their children prevented them from committing suicide (Merima, Goca, Emina). The wish to see their families reunited one day and a need to provide for their families the best they can, is the source of energy that keeps women going in the conditions of life in refuge (Merima, Emina, Vesna, Gorica, Sofija, Nada). Merima speaks about that:
"Without hope I would have been lost. My first source of hope are my children. I live for them, I want to offer them a good life, as much as I can, because they don't deserve to live in this way. On the other hand, I have a hope that one day we will reunite. The main source of suffering in this war was the separation of families. Many people had been killed. In fact, mixed marriages were most affested. "
Incomplete refuge families are inevitably changed from within. In fact, there is a change of parents' competencies. On one hand, lonely and insecure mothers increasingly rely on their children, while on the other hand, they tend to overcontrol and restrict them. The acceptance of a child as an equal member of family leads to his/her maturation, while, on the other side, overcontrol thwarts his/her emancipation and adaptation to the new surrounding. A similar behavior leads to the child's isolation within the circle of family, and in extreme cases, it can produce a complete social isolation. There is yet a problem of insufficiently independent mothers who are thrown into new roles in refuge. They are brought to face alone numerous existential and psychological problems. Mothersrefugees are often nervous, depressed and tearful. They feel lonely, powerless and completely useless (Piorkowska, Petrovic, 1993). These women had always been taken care for. "First it was father, and then the role was overtaken by husband or fatherinlaw", says Vesna. In her own opinion, she did not grew accustomed to taking care of herself and her family, so that, in a way, she was angry at her husband for letting her to manage all alone.
The new role of the womanfamily protector, apart from implying care for herself and her children, also conlains an additional problem: she has to take care of her elderly and ill parents. Gorelana, Gorica and Borjana were in a similar situation. Thus, Gorica says:
"Right before the outbreak of hostileties I said to my mother: `Mom, you should go away, there's nothing for you here. Don't let me worry about you if I already have to worry about my family. You don't have to worry, you have a place to go'. And she went off. However, when I came I saw that my brotherinlaw was about to get her out of the house. (. . .) Then I went to Kikinda, because my mother told me to find her a place in a home for the rest. I found it. They were charging 120 DM for month for a room and board. I couldn `t afford it so l took mom with me and brought her into the house of my brother inlaw. Then, there we were: me in refuge, my mother sharing refuge with me. She did not become senile although she grew childish. If I prepared, for example, pancakes for children, she used say. `On that's alright, a child is more important that a mother'. She drove me mad".
Although the care for elderly parents represents an additional burden, the fact that they are accompanied by a cousin usually represents an additional encouragement for women to endure the painful experience of refuge and find their own place in the new social milieu. Thus Bojana for example, says that her mother had helped her a lot when she was boycotted by her colleagues at work, because of the sheer fact that she was a refugee: "My mother accepts everything with a stoical peace of mind: she doesn't come out at all, she keeps herself busy, she crochet, for examples and thus finds an amusement. Sometimes, she goes off to visit my father in Vukovar".
Therefore, women are worried not only for the present but also for the future. They had to learn to become selfreliant, because they are the only ones who, in the newly created situation, could provide essentials for themselves, their children and their elderly parents.
